Family · Health Care · Life on the Island · Uncategorized · Writing Life

Passing Time

Almost as simply as turning a calendar page, the air of summer has changed. The humidity has lessened here somewhat and a cool breeze foreshadows the coming autumn. This is as ever, a bittersweet time for me. I need the summer warmth and ease more than I used to, and I will be sorry to see it go.

August, already?

This school year will be a big one. T starts classes at the local community college in a couple of weeks. He is out of our tiny high school and into a much larger, more diverse arena. I hope that it will be good for him. P will be a Junior at the high school and starting to look at colleges as well.

I will try to make the most of my unemployed status. I have to get out of the house more this winter, and I need something new to work on. Ordinarily at this time of year, I’d be pining to take classes of my own. Of course since I am not working, no one is going to pay for me to go back to school. With all the medical bills, and tuition for T, loans for me are not an option.

I also seem to be going through something. It’s hard to tell whether it’s fatigue and depression or a true evolution, but I may be finally letting go of a career dream I’ve had for 20-plus years.

How do you know when to give up on a dream? I mean, it sounds so defeatist to say it like that, but I’m not sure that I really feel defeated anymore. I certainly did when my dream job was given to a less qualified man several years ago. It broke me. But I also knew that in the three months I had the job, I proved that I could do it and was very good at it. The hiring manager’s agenda had nothing to do with my qualifications or capabilities. I knew when I left though, that I would probably never get another shot, which is what broke my heart so completely.

That was over six years ago. When I think about it though, it still feels like yesterday in spite of since having had five years with a great manager and team, and lots of wonderful, creative challenges since. What’s different now is that I’m not sure I would apply for similar jobs anymore. I can’t yet tell if it’s because I’m tired of running up against an impenetrable wall or if I have truly moved on.

My lifelong interest in education and education policy also seems to be fading. I was on my local school board for 12 years and I loved it. For years I would independently dig in to the weeds of education policy and try to understand, without ever having held a teaching job, what made for a great school, teacher, classroom. I certainly still have my opinions, but I have noticed that our public school policies have gotten farther and farther away from what I might have considered ideal, The testing regime still lingers, charter schools have arguably made things worse overall, and it’s not a battle I have energy for or much interest in any longer.

Part of it, I think, is my age. I’m going to be 53 at the end of the summer. Assuming I make it, I will have outlived my father. When I was a child, no one could have predicted I’d live this long. Here, I am, way past expectations. The unexpected hiatus due to layoff and health problems has felt like a significant chapter closing. It has me asking; assuming I make it through transplant and regain my strength, what do I want to do with my “Book 2?”

For years I have wanted a job that involved less desk sitting, solitary heads-down work, more meeting, consulting and collaborating. Writing, of course, is none of the latter, but it might provide me with a little more variety than an office job. When I’m healthier, I want to do more travel, and I’m hoping that the things that I research and choose to write about will facilitate that. I’ve been dabbling a little, trying to figure out what the business of writing looks like, training I did not get in college. I have submitted a short story to a publication, and I’m looking to do more. I still am better at non-fiction than fiction, but I’m working on it.

Health Care · Politics · Writing Life

Rabbit (rabbit, rabbit) Holes

We got through January. One month of winter down; two months to go.

This meme spoke to me.

I maybe slowly regaining my equilibrium. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been really tired, sleeping a lot, and somewhat worried about it because the last time I felt like this, I was much sicker than I am now. Though I’ve never been a morning person, I have gradually been getting up earlier and less frequently craving a nap for most of the day. It’s been hard to tell whether it’s the fact that I don’t have anywhere to be and am bored and depressed, or if it’s the new medication I’ve been given to steady and slow down my heart rhythm. The doctor says it could be a little bit of both.

I am starting to develop a routine for most days. Mornings are still slow, as I usually have no one but myself and the dog to attend to. L and the boys are gone for the day. I try to eat breakfast, even though I am no fan. I read. After a shower, I either run errands or make phone calls to doctors, insurance companies, and the mail order pharmacy. This is a part-time job for someone, and I wonder how people with full-time jobs manage it. I think these companies must believe their patients are all retired with nothing better to do. So frustrating! If I still have the energy in the mid-to-late afternoon, I may get to write something.

Taken on a warm, sunny, June 1st. [Sigh]

Lately I’ve been thinking about the many rabbit holes I could be winding my way through. The wonder of a writing life, I’ve often imagined, is the myriad directions that research could take me.

One of those rabbit holes is surely healthcare. Between my own frustrations, the vague idea that I might write a book about my transplant experience if it happens, the fact that it appears to have been a major factor in the mid term election and may be again in 2020, I find myself wanting to really dig deep into the policies. I want to better understand the various proposals, and how their backers think they will work.

The need for better solutions for our country is so great. Just in the last few days I’ve seen testimonials on Twitter about relatives losing their lives because meds were so expensive, fighting to get appropriate nursing care for a patient with a long term and eventually fatal disease, coordinating phone calls between insurance company and “out of network” hospital. At the root of all this is the cost of meds and care. Why are they allowed to be so expensive? Why do we pay more than twice as much, per capita, as other industrialized countries and have nowhere near the best quality? How do we bring prices down?

Another rabbit hole is for more of a fiction project I’ve been contemplating for years but never had the time to pursue. The good and the bad thing about this one is that there is research to be done in my grandmother’s town, bringing back lots of memories. There used to be a fairly famous resort hotel in that town, and that whole culture is fascinating. Imagine being able to vacation somewhere for a month, or the whole summer. We can’t really do that anymore.

With the 2020 election gearing up already, I am probably going to write more about politics. I’m also starting to read more about publishing in magazines, and though I’m not sure my one time fantasy of being a travel writer will ever come to pass, there is all sorts of other stuff that captures my interest. As always, I just have to pick a direction.